We open with some plain and frank advice from Health.com: “Don’t get your hopes up”. So, what we’re saying is, the #1 response to the question of how to cure a hangover is… YOUR EXPECTATIONS ARE TOO DAMNED HIGH! We love the irony of treating the symptom when the symptom is hoping there’s a cure.
Our hopes low, we trod forth…
Go no further than the sentence, “If you take prickly pear extract several hours before you drink, it might lower your day-after symptoms by about half… Experts don’t know how it works,” to understand the confidence WebMD has in the health advice it’s doling out.
If WebMD was around 60 years ago, their articles would’ve been titled, “possibly take approximately 2 of these and in the morning send a text, or don’t, or hopefully you’re not mostly dead.”
3. Fox News
Nobody encourages an apocolyptic fear like Fox! If you’ve ever had a hangover but felt it needed some punching up, you know, a little Glenn Beck-i-fying, then this is your source. Here’s a tasty excerpts: “Your eyes are horribly sunk back in our head” … “nausea bad enough that you’d trade a year off your life just to feel better” … “Obama put this pain in your head”.
You clearly have a female audienec in mind, Fitness Magazine, and that’s cool, but does your writing have to hit all the stereotypical girlish-behaviour touchstones? “Sometimes a girl just can’t help herself” is followed by, “you should totally drink more water… and JUICE, OMG, juice is so good for you, but that’s not alllll, definitely try the rest of these ideas. They might not work, but they’re so delish! (squeee)”
Pulling up the rear, the Indpendent delivers a real “F U” to its audience citing the only cure is to drink less alcohol. I assume the Independent’s readership is comprised entirely of those people we normals avoid because their always saying, “I told you so.” We think we know why you’re still alone, “Independent”.
-Author: Happyness Hours, Fake News